Monday, September 23, 2013

Being bisexual

Today is Bi Visibility Day. I am proudly bisexual (pansexual, really). This is why gay rights are so important to me. I am currently in a long term relationship with a man that I love dearly, but could have just as easily been a woman with whom I'd fallen in love. I've loved many women (and men) in my past. Bi Visibility Day is a thing because so many of us happen to be in seemingly heterosexual relationships that we "pass" or "blend," that we're considered invisible. We are often occused of availing ourselves of heterosexual privelege because of that. I shed my supposed invisibility and make my voice heard to fight proudly for rights for myself and all of my LGBT brothers and sisters. (copied today from my "normal" or "vanilla" everyday Facebook under my real name)

This post has been sitting in my Drafts folder for a long time now, waiting to be written. Today is the perfect day to finally dust it off, polish it up, and publish it!



I have been attracted to girls my whole life. Among my first girl crushes were Olivia Newton-John (Grease is one of my all-time favorite movies), Linda Carter (Wonder Woman!), Lindsay Wagner (The Bionic Woman!), Erin Gray (Wilma from Buck Rogers), and Batgirl and Catwoman from the 1960's Batman series. Yes, obviously I was a geek girl even then! All of my Barbies were lesbians (who were strangely always getting kidnapped, tied up, raped, and held captive in some cave, but that's a story for a different time!) and not just due to a lack of Ken dolls.

I remember being a kid and hanging out with my older girl cousins and one of them accused my sister of being a "lezzy" because my sister was apparently staring at her boobs. Nothing was ever said to me, but I knew it was me who should be accused and not her. I remember sneaking around every chance I got to pour through my mom's collection of porno mags (which she said she had for the articles...) to look at the women, especially the really naughty ones where the girls were spread wide open. I used to dream and fantasize about kissing girls, wanting to touch them "down there." I thought about fisting before I ever knew it was really a thing. And I've been intimately familiar with my own bits since I was at least 2 or 3.

Confusingly, I was also hugely attracted to boys. That was never a question for me. It was never something I had to force. I was a textbook example of a boy-crazy girl. I even had a keychain that said, "If it weren't for boys, I'd quit school." Our favorite game at recess was "girls chase the boys." I used to get in trouble at school for kissing boys, sometimes against their own will. I learned how to French kiss from a boy in 1st grade, but thought it was gross and messy. My mom told me once in 3rd grade that I liked boys so much that one day I would get tired of them. She and I got a big laugh out of that many years later.

This duality came to a head for me when I was in 8th grade, and I met an older 9th grade girl named Heather. We met right before the school year started, became fast friends, and were soon inseparable. If she was not at my house, I was at hers. She spent the night at my house only a couple of times, but mostly I stayed at hers, every possible weekend my mom would let me. It was just a friendship at first, but it wasn't long before things got strange for me. Heather's vibe toward me had changed. She would say odd things to me, like how she randomly told me one day that she had kissed a girl before. One day she was really antsy when we were hanging out at my house alone (my family had gone grocery shopping and I was allowed to stay behind). She'd told me to sit down on the coner of the bed and close my eyes. When I did, she tilted my chin up. I knew she was going to kiss me, but she chickened out and left soon after.

A short time later, a few days to a week had gone by, I was spending the night at her house. It was really late and she had that really ansty vibe again. I knew that something was going to happen, but wasn't able or willing to make the first move myself. So I pretended to fall asleep and kept moaning and writhing like I was having a sex dream. It wasn't long before I felt her lips on mine. At first, I kind of panicked and closed my teeth tighly as she tried to force her tongue into my mouth. Finally I relaxed and kissed her back. Initially, I imagined I was kissing my boyfriend (who turned out to be gay!), but did not hold onto the pretense long. After that night, all of our sleepovers (at her house only from the point on) turned into hours-long makeout and groping sessions. We never went all the way, but we did as much exploration as we could without actually taking our clothes off.

It ended badly after a few months because she was emotionally disturbed and unstable, having had numerous suicide threats and even a few attempts before knowing me. She was super possessive, controlling and fiercely protective of me at school, getting into fights over imagined slights and threats on numerous occasions. My mother never cared for her, later confessing it was because she suspected Heather's inclinations toward me. After Heather and I got into a fight at school where she punched me in the face, my mother forbid me to see or talk to Heather any longer. Heather was heartbroken and begged forgiveness daily, but I was unrelenting. Nobody at school knew about my true relationship with her, and when she tried to tell everyone, it was very easy to discredit her due to her mental state. In hindsight, it is one of my greatest shames how cruel I was to her. There are no creatures on Earth more vicious than teenage girls.

My mind was in a complete turmoil at this point. I was so confused and ashamed of what I had done with her. To the point where I even lied about it in my diary, saying that she and I had taught each other to French kiss instead of telling it like it really was. I just didn't understand what was going on with me. Was I a lesbian? How could that be? Like I said, there was never any question that I liked boys, LOVED boys. I had never heard of bisexuality and had no idea that it was possible to be attracted to both boys and girls. So I did the only thing I could do, I completely repressed it.

In the summer of 1994, the summer forever remembered by me as "The Endless Summer," all of that changed. I was 19 years old and had been out of high school for a year. The most pivotal event of my life happened that summer... I went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time. It may sound silly to anyone that doesn't know, to someone who's maybe only seen the movie on television or seen picture stills, to anyone who doesn't understand what RHPS (or simply Rocky to us Transexual Transylvanians and Unconventional Conventionalists) really is. All of my life, I'd felt different, like I didn't truly belong with any group of people. Upon meeting the fellow freaks of Rocky, I truly felt home and accepted for the first time in my life. It was also when I first met other bisexual girls (and boys). There were always wild after-Rocky parties that involved games of Truth or Dare (and light BDSM, another territory I was soon to explore), which was really just an excuse for everyone to make out and have sex with everyone else. I learned that it was okay to not only like girls but to like girls AND boys.

It wasn't long after this realization that I came out to my mom. I'll never forget that day. I was driving my mom somewhere and I just blurted out, "I think I like girls!" My mom just laughed and said, "Well, I always knew there was something funny about you." She'd told me that I'd often reminded her of her friend in high school, Barbara, who was a lesbian. It was then that I reminded her of what she'd told me in 3rd grade and then that she finally explained to me why she didn't like Heather.

In the years since then, I've had many girl loves. Several of those have been chronicled here: my Princess Angel, my drummer girl Bea, my delectable Diva. There are those whose stories are yet to be told (and are either being lived and/or soon to be written!). At the same time, I've had many boy loves as well. We all know I currently in the midst of an unbelievable love affair with Roland for many years now. I continue to live my life with my heart open to love that is almost completely blind to whatever parts are between the legs of my prospective partners.

Honestly, though, I am probably not really a Kinsey 3. I am truly more inclined toward girls, so I'm probably somewhere around a Kinsey 3.5 or 4, maybe even a 4.5. I've often said (as recently as this morning on Twitter) it's purely accidental that I am in a long-term relationship with a man. I wasn't seeking a relationship with a man. I was actually a unicorn looking for a couple! I knew that I wanted a girlfriend, but didn't want to not have the possibility of being with a man whenever I felt the need as well. I thought settling down with a nice couple would be the perfect answer. This was all before I'd really known about non-monogamy and polyamory (a topic to be thoroughly explored by me in future posts!). I'd always known that I could probably be monogamous with a woman, because fake cocks are pretty much just as good as real ones most of the time (another future post), but that I could never be monogamous with a man. I crave pussy. I need pussy and girl love to survive. Too long without it and I go crazy! (Er.. craziER, Roland would say!) And pussy is something that just can't be faked.

With the only exception being in my work environment (and sometimes not even there), I am completely open about my sexuality. Since I first came out on that day to my mom, I've never tried to hide the fact that I love women as well as men. It may not be the first thing I volunteer about myself, because it really shouldn't matter, but in situations or conversations where it's relevant, I put it out there. Like I did, and have done, on my Facebook today. The more vocal we bisexuals are, the less silent the B in LGBT is. Happy Bi Visibility Day, folks! :)

1 comment:

  1. I enjoyed your post. Very forthright and honest and insightful! :)

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